Empty. (Living Full of Faith When Life Drains You Dry)
Does the Bible mention energy vampires? In reality, you have nothing to fear. Some people can walk into a room and the sunshine will disappear. Flowers will wilt in their presence, and suddenly life seems so gray. These are the energy vampires. You can be in the most positive and happy mood of your life, but a few hours of hanging out with one of these people, and you are ready to scream. They hate life, they are usually bitter, depressed, angry, lonely, frustrated, and blame their problems on others. They are unhappy it could be for multiple reasons.
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Basically, they try to convince you why life sucks, and that it will always be bad. They are always the ones that see the glass as half empty instead of half full. However, it does talk a little about our attitudes and how we are to behave our in our life. In Numbers 13, Moses sent 12 men to spy out the land of Canaan.
The men saw that the people of the land were much bigger than they were. We are like grasshoppers to them. However, to Caleb and Joshua who were willing to go and believed, God allowed them to enter this land. God loves a positive, upbeat attitude. Even in the New Testament, we are told of the 7 fruits of the spirit of God:. When we wield a lot emotional energy it drains us of physical energy also, so when we reach this point we desperately need to take time to rest. Before God converses with Elijah, He first attends to his physical needs — food, water and rest.
Obviously, it is possible to over-spiritualize our needs and our experience think about that … so sometimes our first priority should be to take care of our physical well-being, that we might be strengthened to face the inner journey that lies ahead. A really valuable part of that pilgrimage can be to get away from normal life for a little bit, to get out of town, or go to a retreat center — even if it is only for a few days. Getting out of the normal rut of life can create a very helpful perspective, in much the same way that one benefits from being refreshed physically.
Elijah tells his story to God… he tells Him of his pain, his anger, his fear, and his self-pity… he tells God his story, twice! Sometimes we need to keep telling God our story over and over until a shift happens — by the way, God is robust enough to hear our anger and our disappoint-ment as often and as forcefully as we need to express it. Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights when he received the Law Ex Horeb 1 Kg I think not.
Though some people place too much significance on numerology, and try to find a special meaning behind every number in the Bible, the number forty has long been recognized as being symbolically significant on account of the frequency of its occurrence, and the uniformity of its association with a period of probation, trial, and chastisement. Jesus re-entered the world after wrestling with uncertainty, pain and doubt, and after overcoming His demons, fears and temptations.
How to Overcome the Wilderness Experience. Though the experience is both confusing and discon-certing, the other side of the desert brings a far deeper and richer faith. The believers faith can be fostered if he will engage in spiritual reading and theological study — this will help him reconstruct his beliefs and learn new forms of spiritual practice, like meditation, contemplative prayer, the employment of music in personal worship, journaling, engaging with God through physical activity, and discovering a new kind of practical service or ministry that impacts the world around him.
All of these behaviors can be extremely helpful. The ultimate purpose of the wilderness is not only to develop a deep transforming faith, but to develop a profoundly energetic and rewarding intimate connection with God. The new wardrobe can embrace all kinds of wonderful colors and textures, including some of the previous garments, after a bit of alteration. Though the desert is indeed a dark and lonely place, if we will persevere and move through it like Jacob did when he wrestled with God Gen ; Hos , we will eventually emerge from it with treasures of insight, wisdom, strength and joy — hard won and precious not only to us, but also to God.
Men love status and ruling over others, and when they have it, pride will cause them to hang on to it very often at the expense of others. Men often lie to impress their listeners with their own importance, or boast of their achievements — pride is at the root of the lie… pride resists being in a subordinate position… pride demands its rights… pride resists being humble… pride causes us to blame others for our problems. The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil 1 Tim ; men will lie, cheat, defraud, embezzle, steal and assault others to gain wealth. Sins that have their root in sexual desire include adultery, fornication, pornography, homosexuality, lust and rape.
These three areas of our lives must come under the government of God if we are to share in His holiness. Trust God! Hang in there! He is faithful! Ultimately, God wants us to go through the desert and come out on the other side of it victorious. We must know that God is in complete control of our circumstances, and that He has His reasons for everything. The wilderness experiences we go through are worthwhile experiences, and we are to embrace and accept them for what they are, and persevere through to the end.
Ultimately, we need to react to wilderness experiences as mature Christians… and resolve to not wilt under the hot desert sun of spiritual aridity, but rather trust God knowing that the dryness is temporary and that He has a reason for it. Allow Him to do His work in you. By the way, everything God does is good — and God does wilderness experiences. In the ancient world… wheat was sifted to separate grain from stubble… the good from the bad. When Satan asked to sift Peter, however, his purpose was not to get rid of that which was bad in him, but to destroy his faith so that nothing good was left.
God in His omniscience allowed Satan to sift Peter to accomplish His own higher purposes. Obviously, God in His omniscience allows Satan to have a limited degree of influence in all our lives… and though that can be unsettling for us, we must remember God always supervises the process and has the final word. While God may allow us to be severely tested, God has faithfully promised to never leave or forsake us Heb So God allows us to be sifted in order to bring honor and glory to Himself.
In the process of sifting us, God pushes us beyond our capabilities so that we have to trust Him ; furthermore, He lets us fail at times so that we do not lose sight of our frailty and His perfection. Though Peter was sifted by Satan, God had a different agenda for allowing the process: he was sifted to serve! If we will stay faithful to the process, we will see God turn our times of sifting into glorious monuments to His grace and mercy. Incredible as it may seem, God will even use our faith failures to bless others!
By the way, once you get through a sifting process, you have an obligation to strengthen and encourage others who are in the process of being shaken and feel as if they are on the prong of a winnowing fork 2 Cor ; 1 Pet , 13; ,12,; —the main reason I have done this study is to encourage and help others. The very power of the devil lies in the fact that he breaches our defenses and attacks us from within, and he finds his allies and his weapons in our own inmost thoughts and desires.
Christians often become worried with incessant temptations; they think they should reach a stage when the power of the tempter is for ever broken, but that is not what Scripture teaches. From beginning to end Jesus had to fight several horrific battles with the Evil One , and that is precisely why He can empathize with us and our battles Heb God limits the sifting… He is mindful of our frame… and He knows the method that works best in each of our lives… He knows the intensity of the shaking in the sifting process… and He has set the length of the sifting.
We are not at the mercy of Satan! Our lives are being sifted according to the wisdom and foreknowledge of God. Our sifting might include physical suffer-ing, financial suffering, humbling circumstances, overwhelming temptation, loss of employment, psychological depression, spiritual discouragement — whatever the method, our sifting is for a purpose, and that is to make us better servants. Another important point to remember is this — we go through wilderness experiences alone.
That small sum is just a bit more than my yearly salary. He has started buying more computers and equipment since he got it. He has no job says he has to take care of our dad since I left and moved across the country , so that is his excuse for not working. My mother was manic depressant, she could not stand up to us, so even though we did not have money, we always got what we wanted.
We always fought; my mother would get mad and then hit herself as hard as she could, and she constantly talked about how fat and ugly she was. I have that issue too, even though she told me she knew it was wrong to talk about herself that way. She thought if she talked about being fat right when she walked in the door, no one else needed to say anything and she wouldnt get hurt.
I picked it up from her.
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My mother covered up her low esteem by making people laugh. His whole life revolves around this…no one can have a normal conversation about anything, because he has to have all the attention in the room. When we fight, I say I am going to cut him out of my life, but then I feel bad after a few weeks because he has no friends. I am tired of feeling sorry for someone who acts this way. I have tried to continuously change the way I see things and the way I feel about myself, admitting that I have low self esteem and other issues.
I know that at 45, I am able to change instead of blaming my mother. I see some of myself in my brother as well, but he maintains that he loves himself and has a perfect level of self esteem. I know what bothers us in others is what we see in them that reminds us of ourselves. But I am getting ready to go visit, and feel like I am being sentenced to jail for 2 wks. I am aware I am not perfect and fly off the handle sometimes also, but I am trying to change! I know this is wrong. I always attract emotionally, materially and spiritually needy people in my life.
Though I love lifting other the emotionally needy ones sometimes drain me big time. I carry their burdens at the end of the day it backfires at me badly. To site one picture on the materially needy ones to you, please check the scenarios below: 1. After completing my high school education I stayed home for a year because there was no money to take me to the University or to the College. The following year I was able to collect some money for admission at Teachers Colleges. I did my three years Teachers Diploma which was sponsored by the Education Department. I was forced by circumstances to do this diploma since it was the cheapest and I was also forced by my mom to go for it so that I can come back to help to help her raise my four siblings since she was a single mother through divorce.
I am the first child in my family out of the five of us. I grew up being told that I must help other, I never put myself first in life even today I still struggle with that and now I feel like a victim. I did my post graduation studies in my adulthood mid-thirties. In my varsity years I also felt compelled to help other students who come from needy families because they share their pathetic background with me and it will hit so bad inside so much that I will feel to share my resources with me. Some of them I even had to provide a roof over their head for them, other I had to buy them clothes from my clothing accounts.
He deed acknowledged that it was good for me to help others but I should not feel compelled to do so. Today I am four years widowed with three minor kids 7, 10 and 13 years. I am without a formal employment. I have lost my job during the recessions since it was a contracted HR position.
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They were under serious financial situation, then we verbally agreed that they will pay the water and electricity accounts as well as the rate and taxes and not pay any rentals to me so that they can pick up their financial situation. Today they have left my house and got themselves a new house and left me with a huge debt of rates and taxes and strained relationships between us. Patrick please advise me, I know it has something to do with me. What is it that I am not doing right? Lastly, I just want to acknowledge and appreciated the articles or the newsletters I receive from you on monthly basis.
They are bringing a lot of awakening, awareness, transformation, healing even regrets and guilt feelings. Why regrets and guilt feelings, most of the time after reading some of your articles I feel like I can start my life all over again and do things in a right way. With some of the articles I am able to act immediately. I am currently working on my book on widowhood experiences, and I am praying for wisdom, courage and discipline to complete it.
Thank you very much Patrick, I will really appreciate your help. Kind regards Violet South Africa. Dear Violet, thank you for writing to me and it is great and inspiring to know that I have people from across the globe reading my newsletters. Thank you for the compliments and I am glad they are benefiting you. It is good to be kind to other people in need but you must be kind to yourself.
Have you noticed a pattern that when someone has low self-esteem, other people treat him or her even worse; and yet, the person who has high self-esteem is treated very well. In other words, you must treat yourself as important. You cannot and do not have to help everyone. Begin by helping yourself. Start right now by putting yourself first. I understand that might be a challenge because for your entire life you have put everyone else first. So, put yourself first with small things and then build up; take baby steps.
Now here is another question to challenge you: Can you say no, not help everybody and still be worthy and valuable? My point is that sometimes we create an identity for ourselves and we create an importance for ourselves by taking up the role of rescuer, savior or helper. Did you do this as a child? I did and so I kept doing it until I changed my belief that I could be lovable and still say no, and not help everybody i.
I could let go of the old role of rescuer and savior. This article has given me a lot to think about. I feel really angry right now—not at them, but at myself. I feel I let myself be manipulated and taken advantage of. Ask yourself why you chose not to follow your gut feelings. Also, ask yourself how you became a rescuer.
How did that become your identity? Did you do the same thing as a child for the people around you? Be kind and gentle on yourself and make the decision to create a new identity for yourself. Let other people help you; let other people give to you! My mother has since past away 2 years ago now. Although I loved her I felt many of the same issues as many of you. I think that too I have picked husband relationships from subconcious behaviors that mimic my mom.source
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Very controlling and self absorbed kind of people. I was not raised by her so in many wYs I feel I was spared her bad traits transferring onto me. But I know I have some abandonment issues and worry anxiety issues. They can be very complicated. But to the rest of the world he is well perceived and people think of him as a kind and warm person which he is for the most part. I always take this so hard and I feel like he just sucked the life out of me.
To point where I suffer greatly with health issues. But eventually a week or a month or sometimes even a few months go by and we are back in the same cycle. I hate it with all my heart. And it makes me sad for him too that he is always saying sorry. How do I shield myself enough without becoming numb.
I have been reading a lot on emotional vampires and now realize that I have been truly involved in such a relationship for the past 3 years. My recent ex partner has spent those years distancing me from my family and friends. Extremely jealous of the time I spend with my children. I am at fault for all arguements and problems in the relationship, when ever I say I cant take it anymore, she becomes unwell. I have spent 3 years hearing about her life of neglect, sexual abuse, still births, failed marriages, relationships, reasons for affairs etc.
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She has had a terrible life. Through all of this I have tried harder, done more emotionlly, financially. I have wanted to be her knight on the white horse and rescue her. It has been a very on,off relationship. I moved out 6 months ago, although we continued the relationship, only for her to end it every 3 weeks, blaming me for her shit of a life. Her words!! Finally, I have walked out, saying I am not coming back!!! The problem is, I am so down, depressed, miss her terribly, would do anything to get her back!!! At times in the last 2 weeks I have thought about all the different ways to get her back!!!
I know its toxic, please help me with some advice to get through this stage. I am recently married and have recently discovered that my wife is an emotional vampire. Dealing with her is like an emotional roller coaster. She constantly wants attention, whenever I go to the gym she always ask when am I coming back. Whenever we have a disagreement she makes everything a major issue. Than she asked why I asked that and I answered because your body language to me looked like you were upset. So i responded okay lets leave it alone. She than preceeds to get extremely upset and jumps out of the car.
Because I can not and will not live my life like this. I have never seen this before the wedding. I feel like she kept this part of her hidden just so that we would get married because she states that every other guy before has left her. I can understand why they left if she acted like this with all of them. I tried to give her some constructive critisizm and everything is takened negatively. It seems like every other day there is some new emotional drama.
She acts like I should kiss her butt, but I have never been a butt kisser. When I get really upset she becomes very appologetic and says she is going to see a counselor. It is true and common that once we enter into the security of a relationship, our true selves come out. A relationship naturally brings out all of our insecurities, doubts and other issues. Your wife is being clingy or needby because she feels insecure and afraid because she was betrayed in other relationships.
Before making a decision about staying or breaking up, may I humbly suggest that you both visit a counselor. And given that she says she is going to see one, then ask her to do so and ensure that she follows through with that. Also, does she in any way, remind you of yoru former wife or other ex-girlfriends? Great article. I am in a relationship with a wonderful lady. We have been together for four years now and between us, life is good. The emotional vampire is her ex who is also the father of her daughter.
He constantly is running her down and verbally and emotionally abusing her. She puts up with this because she is still trying to keep him in her daughters life. Of course, the daughter loves her daddy even though he is not financially or emotionally supportive. What is your suggestion for dealing with a person like this that actually fits ALL of the criteria that you described in the article? Thanks for your reply. Is he good and healthy for his daughter? A friend who was in a very similar situation took drastic action to cut off the ex-husband via court because he was unhealthy for the daughters and he was a bad father even when he was visiting.
If the abuse escalates, consider a restraining order. Another approach might be for the mother or a mutual friend whom the father respects to speak with him and tell him that while he might have issues resentment, jealousy, etc towards the mother, his actions are actually hurting the daughter and will eventually cause the daughter to resent one or the other parent — but most likely the father!
Great Article! As difficult as it sounds, I had to separate myself from both my father and my sister they are peas in a pod and come to terms with not having them in my life as they were both emotional vampires and both exhibited ALL of the signs you listed. I never knew what to call them or their behavior, but I was self-actualized enough to realize that at 49, I could not continue to let them have power over me and drain me of my self esteem or energy any longer.
Now I am so much more happy, energetic and positive about life. They are supportive and helpful, build me up and are there for me without judgment. Whereas my sister and father were hyper-critical and could find a bad point in any thing I presented to them, including winning awards, getting new clients, purchasing beautiful land or meeting someone special.
I used to be quite stressed around them and avoided them as much as possible. Eventually, I just stopped contacting them altogether. Now my shoulders have relaxed and my heart has stopped pounding. I can actually look forward to months and months of stress-free living. Hopefully what you say here will help others delete emotional vampires from their lives as well! It sounds like your choice to cut off your father and sister is a recent one. One of the hardest things to do in life is to cut off the people closest to you such as your family when they turn out to be unhealthy for you. It is always empowering to understand why they or anyone for that matter acts the way they do.
Sometimes, people are motivated by jealousy, anger, resentment or simply want to cut you down because they feel inadequate. While I promote loving and understanding your family, I also teach that you must love yourself first. Trying to love someone who continually abuses you in any form — mental, physical, verbal or emotional — only serves to destroy you.
Sometimes you need to cut them off and begin to love and nurture yourself while still lovign them from a distance. My girlfriend fits alot of what you have described. I love her very much but her parinoid behavior is pushing me away. She also is big on the drama queen and victim role.
How long have you been together? Is she just starting to reveal this side? Is it pressure and stress or do you think it has always been there? Sit down in a neutral place — preferably outside to talk to her. Note what I said: neutral and outside. Neutral refers to the fact that it is not your home or her home; outside because it allows for a more open conversation by lowering her defenses. In other words, set up a time and place to talk; do not wait till you explode or walk out on the relationship.
Eventually, you will tell her how you feel — better to do it now than after the relationship has ended.
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By sitting outside in a neutral place, you have a safe place for both of you to discuss your feelings. Begin with questions e. What moved you to do this? How can I help? If you start with exploratory questions, then there is less chance of her being defensive or paranoid.
Also, you can help her to lower her defenses by lowering yours and expressing vulnerability; maybe try sharing a personal story of something meaningful in your past and how it left you feeling. Also, ask yourself the tough question about how and why you attracted this person into your life and how and why you are attracted to her? I used to attract girls that needed rescuing because I believed that was my role and purpose as well as my identity.
I just wanted to write how great your advice is and that its wonderful someone is giving out strong, down-to-earth, logical advice on a topic that is as messy and involved as relationships and human emotions! I hope you continue on for many years to come as it sends back so much positivity and good vibes in a world that is a little overwhelming and dark at times.
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I am sincerely grateful to be able to help people. This is an amazing blog and set of posts here.. Your thoughts have certainly helped push me to find more joy in living! We were somewhat cautious and tried to be thoughtful in the process of getting married to one another. He loves the show Seinfeld.. I also feel like he wants sabotage my budding career as a university teacher..
The rub is this: he is not this way all the time.. This makes for a pretty bad equation. In a run-down state, I often become a bit fearful, needing his validation, hugs, and approval.. He even seems suspicious about why I would need to be told positive and up-building things.. I would love for us to bring out the best in each other, that we are positive and strengthening forces in each others lives — all of the time.
Is this way too high of a hope and dream? It sounds to me that you both have work to do individually and then, as a couple. And yes, I think it would have been wiser to have spent more time getting to know each other before the marriage rather than during the marriage. I think there is some pain that your husband has not yet cleared. For example, you mentioned that he was married to a drama queen and I think he responds to you as if you were that drama queen. You are right that you need to always work on yourself first.
However, there are also some things that need to be addressed within the relationship. For example, step one, identify what you need from him — patience, validation, understanding, support, etc. Step two, ask him what he needs from you. And then third, ask each other why each one feels resentful giving the other person what he or she needs. And yet, the desire to do it is also a reflection of real love. Having said that, also look at yourself and determine when you need it and why you need it; is it something often?
If so, why? Is it just tough times and challenges or is it a deep issue that has been around for awhile? Your husband can love and support you but he cannot heal you or be responsible for your healing — and vice versa. It also seems to me that the two of you are not communicating fully. Have you explained to him why you need it? Do you know why you need it? Does he want to sabotage your career or is he simply recognizing that your present situation is highly stressful and that the stress makes you fearful and dependent on him — even clingy? Talk to him, ask him questions; talk about the way you feel and listen.
Ask him for his perspective and expain your perspective. It sounds as if you are feeling guilty and acting as if you must live to serve him. Also, regarding stress, please look at ways to reduce the stress in your life because that will affect your relationship; it will affect your emotions and can even make you needy and emotionally vulnerable.
Is he also under a lot of stress? Begin by asking him how you can be that for him and then let him know how he can be that for you. Make sure they are clearly tangible ways — actions, words, response, etc. I have reached a point in my life 47 where certain old behaviors and patterns simply do not work for me any more and I am finding myself working to remove them from my life.
I have found myself taking stock of relationships and backing away from those that are not healthy and postitive or those that are based on obligation and guilt rather than actually enjoyment of that person. I know now that this is not true, and that I must set boundaries in order to be a happy emotionally healthy person who is not resentful and depressed. She is two years my senior, but I have always played the role of her emotional support system and the person to whom she would endlessly vent her negative emotions and anxieties.
Every phone conversation, every interaction would end up leaving me feeling exhausted and annoyed. I would try to counsel her about her endless complaints about her health, job, relationships with family, her struggles with infertility, but she would never take my advice. It seemed she just had to compulsively complain and seek approval and validation for her every action. Finally, in the past few years I have begun to recognize that I cannot change her. She is caught in old patterns with our family and in her marriage and every job she has. I am all done trying to give her advice.
I finally had to pull away to protect myself from her. She feels that it is my place as her only sister to listen to her problems, but there is a limit. We could never just have a nice visit or phone call. They all start out pleasantly enough, but they invariably would turn into a venting session for her where she would seek my reassurance about everything she does. I cannot play that role any more. It is too exhausting and depleating to me.
If I would try to tell her anything about myself, it would quickly become an issue about her fear and nervousness about what I was going through. I would end up comforting and reassuring her! When she starts her negative patterns, I tell her I have to go. She is learning, but it is a hard habit for her to break. You are right that she might be learning and it is a hard habit to break. We would all love to be able to change the emotional vampires in our life — particularly our family members because deep down we do love them and we do crave for a meaningful relationship and connection, and, sadly that rarely occurs.
However, i would like to add to work on yourself first, and you will eventually arrive at the place where you accept him even though you might find that he is not for you and neither is the relationship if it is destructive to you and your soul. What I mean here is that you arrive at the place where you no longer waste energy trying to change him but you also recognize that you need to take the path that is the healthiest for you.
I have been married to an emotional vampire for almost 9 years. Of those 9 years, I have been exhausted for about 7 and — not surprisingly — no medical treatment has helped therapy, accupuncture, adrenal, hormone regulation, and thousands of dollars of supplements. It took years to figure out the basis for the crazy, crazy chaos. My husband has strong NPD characteristics, sees himself as a victim constantly, is controlling, and is manipulative to the point that I NEVER know when he is telling the truth or just working me for some desired outcome.
There has been quite a bit of physical and emotional abuse in our relationship, although not for some time. During those times he would wear me down emotionally and apologize, cry…whatever it took so that I would not leave. I finally realized that I could not stay any longer…. In this regard, he has become much more giving — sponsoring families for Thanksgiving and Christmas, whereas in the past he would verbally abuse me about my volunteer work; he now tithes at church whereas he has been, again, verbally abusive to me over the same in the past.
However, I believe that this is just another tactic, and here is why: although he is a fairly successful professional, he still engages in unethical illegal behavior. In fact, he prides himself on figuring out ways to work around the system, and would be in jail for such behavior if he had not cooperated with the FBI to convict several of his business partners. When I renewed my relationship with God, my desires changed.
My husband and I have always differed in the way that we relate to people and things, so I do expect there to be some difference, but I observe him doing things that do not indicated a relationship with God. The issue is this: we have a 7 year old daughter who would be devastated if we divorced.
She is the reason that we are still together. It is very hard for me to do. I would very much appreciate hearing your inspired words of wisdom. I am not fully clear about the changes your husband has made. You said he has turned to God and has become more giving but still engages in illegal activity, gray areas or simply practices that are untheical. First, have you fogiven him for the past? Does he regret his ways? Has he recognized the hurt and pain caused? Second, what image are you trying to see of him and why? Are you trying to forget the past and only focus on his good?
That is fine if he has changed; if not, then you are simply in denial. This leads to my third point: it is a huge and dangerous belief that it is good to stay together for the sake of the children; it is not if there is no love in the relationship; it is not if there is pain and abuse in the relationship. Children learn by 1. In other words, the pain, abuse, lack of love, narcissism, manipulation, criticism, etc are all very harmful for your daughter. She will grow up with a bad example of relationships; she will grow up thinking that the woman must accept the abuse from the man; she will grow up frightened to express herself and be herself.
Your daughter needs love, protection and nurturing. She also needs to witness and feel love between her parents. Hearing arguments will leave her afraid, traumatized and insecure. She will grow up with anxiety. She will absorb a lot of your pain. Remember, suffering on your part at the hands of abuse is not loving for your daughter — even though that is your intention.
I have an emotional vampire in my life and I have known her for so many years. She is my longtime childhood friend. We are 46 and we have been friends since we were about I have wondered why did I put the time into this relationship. I have other friendships but she just never goes away , no matter how many arguements we have had.
Even as a 46 yr. We have had a few big blow-outs where ai say that is it , I have had it and not spoken to her for say 4 months or so. She has made choices that I so do not agree with regarding a boyfriend with a shady past, and the relationship with her him and her children. I do not respect the choices, she is hostile and border-line abusive to her kids. Shouting at them , swatting them on the butt. The other day we were at Disneyland and her 7 yr. I was holding the daughters hand and she swooped in and yelled at her and swatted her. She has called repeatedly during fights on my machine and just said YOU are my best friend, I care so much , on and on and on.
So she always brings up the everyone has turned against me bit. I need healthy relationships that support me. She has never asked as much about my things as much as I have about hers. There are much deeper things that a good relationship should have other than the fact that we have some shared interests. In fact, it also becomes somewhat harder to make friends as we get older because we have less access to people; in school and college we are surrounded by so many people but later in life we associate with a smaller group of people — at work and we often spend most of our time with the children.
Now, you that you have recognized that you feel she is not your friend and does not care about you, then ask yourself why you are afraid to let her go from your life — to ignore her attempts at making you feel guilty. Is it becuase you are afraid you will be alone or will not be able to find new healthy friends? You can make new empowering friends by taking the time to find them!
Try joining clubs or groups that interest you — reading clubs, hobbie clubs, walking clubs, etc. Finally, sometimes, you just have to take the hard action and go through the period of feeling uncomfortable so that you can cut off people who once controlled you. Then you can be free to welcome new real friends. You will regain your confidence once you put yourself first. First I want to thank you for publishing this article. My husband and I are unfortunate to have both of our mothers with varying degrees of emotional vampire qualities.
Both of us feel guilty doing this, but the thought of talking to her, makes us sick to our stomachs. My elderly mom is not as easy. We have a 7 year old son who I love devoting my time to. My mother thinks I spend too much time with him. My mom, during this whole 2 year time, has been un-thankful for all the improvements we have done. She is the type of person that zaps all the fun out of everything.
There is no happiness around her. It has gotten so bad that I have a hard time caring. How can I maintain some sort of peace? When I first wrote this article about Emotional Vampires, I never expected to hear from so many people that their mother is an emotional vampire. My first response might be to explain it as the result of loneliness, pain, dissapointment, hormonal changes, etc.
I am not sure if I fully understand your situation: you have moved to be with your mother and to help her sell the house, and now that you are doing so, she is becoming worse in her verball attacks and criticism? Balance is always the primary goal. Have you spoken with her to let her know how her actions affect you; that it makes you sick to the stomach? I want your grandson to also experience great memories with you; I am concerned that the way you have been responding to me lately leaves me feeling ill and pushes me away from you instead of pulling you closer to me.
What can I do to help? Is there something, some pain or disappointment that you want to share with me? Please know that I am patient and understanding and willing to listen and I know this move is stressful for you but I will not allow you to criticize or attack me because that attacks my health and love for you. I hope this helps. Remember also, that you might need to simply reduce the time you spend with her — keep it to a minimum or block that time for her — if she chooses to remain the same.
This person is very competitive with me. I have no desire to compete with anyone. I am jsut living my life. She wants to somehow beat me at being successful in life in matters of children, and monetary terms. I used to think she was sincerely happy for me regarding major events in my life, but now I think she had a sort of obsession, jealousy, love-hate mixture. Why would you want to be a bridesmaid of someone you dont like and then make yourself look physically awful to sabotage the pictures? Now I realize that she really did such an unimaginable thing, and I felt that she has broken down the boundaries before I realized what was going on.
I really do want to disconnect from this person. I try to listen and give advice that is not destructive or critical. She came to depend on me too much for my own comfort levels, and also she became jealous of my other friends and my family members that she felt I had a good relationship with. She is extremely emotional and cries for things very quickly. I used to think she was sincerely happy for me, but later felt that she was obsessed and wanted to somehow posess me as a friend and cut out all my other connections with other friends.
In the beginning she admired me and put me on a pedestal. Then I felt that she became posessive and jealous of my friends. Then she started to develop contempt for me, yet she would do things for me without me asking her to do so, and it made me uncomfortable. But if I spoke against it, I would look very unappreciative. She keeps wanting to meet me and vacation with our families together. I have no desire to do so, but she is really pushy.